Whoops!

Did I say One-thousandth? I meant Nine-hundred Ninety-fifth!

Continue to follow my exploits (I swear they get much better and sexier and more gramatically correctlier) on my tumblr!

995

I think once I hit my 1000th post I'll Switch to tumblr, just because i wanna blog from my iphone.

Orange Bug

Your tag along in my dreams, did you know that? It begins with you but it ends with some other girl. Its almost perplexing how even my own subconscious is trying to slow overwrite old data.
raspberry vodka
root beer
orange bugs
a crazy waterfront home built over a river
an old man's funeral
his books
his mistress' affair.
That dusty room with nothing more then a vacuum, a rubber band, a few books and tons of dust.
Fireflies
Paper lanterns
car shops
some other girl with some other back story
references to legal proceedings I've never heard of, even in passing, but there they were perfectly defined.
$300 for repairs
waking up.

Expertise

What do I do with all this stuff that I know about you, its like I've studied for an exam that I'll never get to take. I'm an expert in nothing, its all useless. Maybe I ought to train the next bloke.

Moving to New York

You choose the wrong guy. 
I'm not the right one either.
But you won't know that.
Not from experience.

my baby.

I am nit gona spell cjjeck ant of this. i am watch the office, and i have been drinking. and i am watching the office, and i am excited because this is the fitst time ive been horriadly drunk in ages like in a month. i loved this epodode and my wife may hate this when she reads it later if she ever does but i feel warm and loved and i love the experience.

i will love my wife. i know that.
im not dating anyone.
but i love her now and  i know that.
we will be real i knw that too.

anywas
all things considered.
i am happy about my future. because i know i will be excited no matter what.
i will be.
i will be i know it.
i don;t expect to be a father but i will be a good one, i can give up all the vices for her or him.

 i smile.
^_^
i do.

dear child of mine. i love you. i LOVE you.

and.

dear wife. I love you. i do.

Sing a Song

anyone else break out into song sometimes? just about what your doing or something you've seen. you know there's no market for those kinds of songs, they are readily laughed at in fact. but i do rather enjoy the little tunes i sing when no one is around to hear.

age me now

am i old or do i just feel old. i hate being ahead i thought it would stop but it never did i just wanna be on par with everyone else, maybe a 1 year break is what's necessary....or fuck maybe i need to do the opposite and advance myself forward by a few years. i am old. i am. i really am, and you don't know what i mean.

these

hey alice, these boys are no greater then me. we just know each other too well. and so we are never ment to love each other. its ok, i still like you as you do me. he has my shoes, my pants, my jacket, my style, i have better hair, and im not a senior who is too old i am young an alive and less drunk and high. oh well. your legs look delecious and i love your heels, in a way he will die out when hes not in season, and ill be a friend forever alice. but i love your dress i really do, and its hard to look at you leave sometimes and not be with you, even for a night. Goodnight my dearest alice, lovely lovely girl, i hope you have a good night because clearly i will miss you. did you know you look beautiful in your dress and victoria is wrong you dont need to crop it shorter.

August

I get bored so quickly, I wonder what the fuck I'm doing.

this weekend

i did something impulsive, it worked.

i dont know if it works but

i bought a commodore 64
it looks cool
next to my plants
ill be home this weekend, should be festive

cheer's to single's awareness day. ill be spending it with my kid sister, unless she has a valentine in which case some kid is gonna get hawked over and a pretty mean stare from me all day.

A "super fine" saying.

Sometimes being a well tuned second fiddle is better then a well polished first.

I would like sight, and a few more words.

I wonder how all these small little coincidences coincide to a meaningful event. Will I know a point of punctuation in my life when I think I feel it? Does one message lead to an event, lead to excess, that leads to exhaustion, that leads to a glance in a direction, which makes you smile a bit thus culiminating in something? Or it all a streaming conscious sort of thing with no end no real beginning and just a series of patterns reverberating and vibrating over and over again ripples just creating more ripples are the moments the points at which the waves cross each others paths.

that slow feeling

its funny how much you can like a smile you used to see every day a bit differently one night. shes pretty cute when she's trying to hold in laughter.

Amber dreams.

My dreams are getting wicked insane. Last night my apartment burned down because some girl left towls next to a radiator, i carried Helen around because she was a naked humanoid cyborg who had to be saved, i stole an Italian paintings from a Vila and then lost them under the sea, I climbed up a fire escape and watched my apartment burn when my neighbors came to warn me I just laughed and left town with what I had on me. I got a call from Alyssa at some ruins next to a lake, she was really angry with me, and warned that there are better things in her life, she has someone more special, and she had no need for me. I woke up, scared, I imedatly checked for signs of a fire and some clothes for helen, when i step outside it looked like a small bomb had exploded on the east wall and people were comming out of their rooms covered in soot, helen was no where to be found, I talked to a girl about fire, and when I was about to find the lighter in my pocket I actually woke up, my hand looking for the lighter. Amber dreams are probably some of the most honest.

Judy

Tonight I rode. It was dark, the rain was strong, we rode fast. She learned to ride, and I reminisced about my own fixed journey. So many miles, so many sights, so many exhilarating moments. It was most stellar. So, tonight I toast to you Judy, for reminding me just how fantastic the ride is when you first begin.

Saturday

i have no venom, this has forced me to regress to eating and gaming, both feel very unsatisfactory and twice as unhealthy, i just ate some hot cheetos and drank a ton of coke. I can feel the ulcer forming right now.

Dear Television Writters

The background of a screen on a digital device, whether it be a cellphone or a computer screen is called a wallpaper, and the image that comes up when you leave said device idle is called a screensaver. Can we please stop calling wallpapers screensavers on every TV show now? I know that with these new OSes and fun add-on packages that we can easily set our wallpapers to have changing and moving images (hell streaming video feeds), but even so, its a wallpaper no matter how close we get to the moving photographs of the wizarding world, I'd even be ok with the term background.

Now unless someone points out that use of the term wallpaper would require a royalty check to some company I think we can put this problem to rest, if it does on the otherhand cost cash to use the term, well then consider all the uses of "wallpaper" in this article screensavered.

Old Year

What happens to the old year once the new one comes by? Is it like a forgotten older child? A broken toy? A used car? I'll take care of you old year, I'll remember you, and fix you, and use you, your just as good as the new year and at the very least I'll appreciate you.

I Resolve...

to forgive time
to not poison myself excessively
to make peace with myself
to smile with reason
to shave
to achieve some sense of discipline, however small
to not stop drawing or writing for more than a day at a time
to read at least twice as much as I currently do
to listen without shutting up
to take an hour for myself and be aware
to bike faster
to drink more water
to just let go
to love, always.

Repressed Statement

It wasn't too long ago that we saw each other nearly every day, now I'm lucky if I get two hours every other month.

It just feels a bit unfair, like I have some sort of incurable disease, and the doctors told me I only have so much time, and near the end it just got too hard to visit. Maybe I do have some sort of disease, or an aura of death and depression, or something about me is repulsive, in the electromagnetic sense not aesthetic. And its not like I don't understand, I really do, theres more to do and see and other people and thats all fair, its all fair I don't want to take that time away. But maybe once a year, I could be aloted a day, to just feel the warmth of my personal sun a while. I don't mind hibernating and scavenging the rest of the year. I'm trying too hard to hold on aren't I? And the worst bit is I really do care too much to not try, even when all sense tells me otherwise. I can't believe how much of my brain shuts off, and how hard I have to try to not shatter over and over again. I just can't accept being dust in the wind.

The Night of Oranges

By Flavius Stan

It is Christmas Eve in 1989 in Timisoara and the ice is still dirty from the boots of the Romanian revolution. The dictator Nicolae Ceausescu had been deposed a few days before, and on Christmas Day he would be executed by firing squad. I am in the center of the city with my friends, empty now of the crowds that prayed outside the cathedral during the worst of the fighting. My friends and I still hear shots here and there. Our cold hands are gray like the sky above us, and we want to see a movie.

There is a rumor that there will be oranges for sale tonight. Hundreds of people are already waiting in line. We were used to such lines under the former Communist Government-lines for bread, lines for meat, lines for everything. Families would wait much of the day for rationed items. As children, we would take turns for an hour or more, holding our family’s place in line.

But this line is different. There are children in Romania who don’t know what an orange looks like. It is a special treat. Having the chance to eat a single orange will keep a child happy for a week. It will also make him a hero in the eyes of his friends. For the first time, someone is selling oranges by the kilo.

Suddenly I want to do something important: I want to give my brother a big surprise. He is only eight years old, and I want him to celebrate Christmas with lots of oranges at the table. I also want my parents to be proud of me.

So I call home and tell my parents that I’m going to be late. I forget about going to the movie, leave my friends, and join the line.

People aren’t silent, upset, frustrated, as they were before the revolution; they are talking to one another about life, politics, and the new situation in the country.

The oranges are sold out of the back doorway of a food shop. The clerk has gone from anonymity to unexpected importance. As he handles the oranges, he acts like a movie star in front of his fans.
He moves his arms in an exaggerated manner as he tells the other workers where to go and what to do. All I can do is stare at the stack of cardboard boxes, piled higher than me. I have never seen so many oranges in my life.

Finally, it is my turn. It is 8 o’clock, and I have been waiting for six hours. It doesn’t seem like a long time because my mind has been flying from the oranges in front of me to my brother and then back to the oranges. I hand over the money I was going to spend on the movie and watch each orange being thrown into my bag. I try to count them, but I lose their number.

I am drunk with the idea of oranges. I put the bag inside my coat as if I want to absorb their warmth. They aren’t heavy at all, and I feel that this is going to be the best Christmas of my life. I begin thinking of how I am going to present my gift.

I get home and my father opens the door. He is amazed when he sees the oranges, and we decide to hide them until dinner. At dessert that night, I give my brother the present. Everyone is silent. They can’t believe it.

My brother doesn’t touch them. He is afraid even to look at them. Maybe they aren’t real. Maybe they are an illusion, like everything else these days. We have to tell him he can eat them before he has the courage to touch one of the oranges.

I stare at my brother eating the oranges. They are my oranges. My parents are proud of me.

Amazon...

Personality: Urban Sophisticate, Artistic Soul, Alt-Rocker, Shutterbug, College Student, Geek, Home Chef

I fear they are spying on me...

April Ludgate

Is it just me or did Aubrey Plaza go from like semi awkwardly cute to really really good looking, like distractingly so. Can we get this girl more screen time, like primary cast member status screen time.

My magical dreams

I had a multisession dream, it was all one long sequence/story, but I woke up three times. And all the primary characters were girls I had crushes on throughout my life. The entire thing felt very fond and warm. I wonder where my dreams go once I finish dreaming them.

The Following Are Decisive Statements

Polish♥

That was her lisence plate, she was the girl who drove 300 miles south for the winter with me. It started out innocently enough, I had driven for about an hour and a half, and decided to stop at a reststop, refuel and get something to drink. I got ready for the next two or so hours of driving and headed off on the 5. From behind me I see a white car rolling up at what had to be at least 90mph...so naturally I tried to block whoever it was from getting past me. She made it past me, a white mustange, the plate read "POLISH♥", and so the chase was on. I'd  get past her for a bit, and then she try to swerve and speed up past me, every now and again we'd exchange a quick glance, as it got darker we would flash our fog lights. Eventually it became competitve, who could maintain the highest speed, who could play chicken with the trucking lane and the cars, who  could loop around the other more times. Finally she peeled off at a rest stop, I noticed I was about half a tank full so I figured I might as well fill up too. So There we were, car to car, refueling, and I can't help but grin a bit as she walks past me to go into the minimart. I follow afterwards to go use the restroom and buy some much needed sour worms. As I walk out I see she is about to pull away, but just before she does, she stops the car, rolls down the window, and gives me a quick little taunting gesture with her hand. So I run to my car, hop in, and chase. 


Yeah, I spent the better course of the next few hours chasing after a girl, and basically we flirted, using our cars. She was pretty good at almost giving me the slip, but just as soon as she figured I couldn't tail her, I'd zoom up behind her, and then she was in persuit, and damn what a woman. Eventually I notice my tank has just about a third of fuel left, and so I decide to stop, I blink my lights at her to say farewell, but she opts to stop with me. This time we actually exchanged a few words, and hung out for about half  an hour on the roofs of our cars drinking hot chocolate. It was kind of sweet actually in that sort of "this is too unreal to be real" sort of way. 


We did eventually part ways though, about half an hour away from getting home, she opened her window and waved me off, the entire time I never knew her name, and she never asked for mine either. But it was really fun, and she was pretty cute. I feel like I have a better handle of my car now too, which was a nice plus.


So Polish♥, it was nice racing you, thanks for keeping me company


Top Speed: 120mph, and my car almost fell apart. 

Red Bow

I was packing things today, and looking through my boxes for wires, and then I came across that box full of all my old pictures and scraps of papers, and bits of things, small mementos...and in the middle a red bow, your red bow. You know for once I know this isn't a fleeting emotion, just a haphazard feeling created through a mixture of pop culture, media, music, and my imagination, I ached. I loved that girl, and she hasn't changed much, and maybe it was me who changed a bit, but we are people and we are allowed to do that, in fact we should. But it seems like time passed us by, and that red bow, it stood still in all that time, and it took me back, and that was nice. It was really nice. Thank you for capturing time in that bow.

The Road

Looks like I'm driving out today.
A long open road ahead of me.
The wind in my face.
The scent of manure in the air.
The small artificial towns created by stops along the way.
The weird side paths.
Should be fun, I kind of think I should just leave now, get there in the daylight.

Movies Yet to See

Where the Wild Things Are
Pirate Radio
Avatar
District 9
Inglourious Basterds
Up in the Air
The Hurt Locker
An Education
Julie & Julia
Zombieland
Youth in Revolt
Daybreakers
Taking Woodstock

And I have to buy a copy of 500 Days of Summer.

Tonight's Movielist

Une femme est une femme (1961)
Good Dick (2008)
The Truman Show (1998)
Lolita (1997)
Lolita (1962)
Being John Malkovich (1999)

oh shit forgot to add a title

http://www.thedoghousediaries.com/?p=559

and so i was like who the hell is rafaann

http://rafaanandlauren.wordpress.com/

and then i see June 25th 2009
and then i'm like HAHA he referenced himself and covered his ass, brilliant!

the dog house diaries are hallarious by the way

Heh

everything's just a joke.
the comedian is right.

Syrup

I like the endless beautiful sadness, I still smile now and again. But maybe Jennie is right maybe I am actually getting older. To be content with all that pains you, is that what age brings? Old soul, i get that a lot.

I wonder if 4 years from now I'll be wondering why I didn't do more when I was 20, or will I still be complaining about 8 years ago. Fuck, i better go outside and fly a kite or something. I feel like thats a solution to a lot of problems.

I guess its simple, life is unfair, and you don't get what you want. You don't get her love, you don't get a larger kitchen, you don't get a cat, and you won't necessarily make it though college. You don't get to eat without getting fat, and you don't have to face saber tooth tigers in the wild either so thats a plus I guess.

Why won't the thoughts stop...stop them!

Victory?

I've optimized everything in my life so much, that I currently have nothing that needs doing and nothing I really want to do. I might actually bore myself to death.

Everything feels stuffy though, and nothing feels very complete or satisfying either. 

write something

You spend your life fighting depression; it\'s the default human condition. The shit we buy, the people we hang around with, fuck and even love are just means to an end, a way to stave off the crushing loneliness that is to be alone and unloved. We buy into the idea of happiness as portrayed by the mass media, that happiness is found through social engagement, through the expenditure of the money we earn working for multi-millionaires that don\'t know us, don\'t care. If we live or die, we haven\'t made a mark on the world.
We check Facebook compulsively, Twitter about our breakfasts and talk to our friends and coworkers about wild parties, prospective mates and expensive purchases: Attempts to show our sociability, our ability to fit in, our willingness to buy into this great corporate dream.
If you want my advice, write something. Draw something. Tell someone something. Do something, ANYTHING, that will outlive this culture, that will transcend its boundaries and touch someone. #1197090 Guest on Dec 10, 2009 @ 23:08

http://www.writesomething.net/


i wrote:
i wonder how all of this will read in the end, how will our collective conscious read, i really do believe humanity is trying desperately to connect to each other\'s conscious but we are rushing so very quickly headfirst to destroying ourselves first. I hope we make it, if we could just all feel and think what we all genuinely feel and think...well i bet we\'ll destroy ourselves even then. post#1198044

Flight of the Concords...pretty fucken high, and alone.

you cant break my heart because my heart is made of liquid because it melted when i meet you.

not in love with anyone.
just very lost, alone, and aging.
i still love you though, that just can't change.

i just ate an onion to see if i could taste it, it tasted sweet and painful, that's what you are like for now.

Records

I think facebook just crashed my whole profile.
Hmmm, wow that's a shit ton of lost data.

Air

I want to turn into vapor, into the very air that you breathe, I want to be endless, free flowing, timeless, fluid, unformed, and for once unknown. Never seen, hardly heard, never known. I want to flow through your fingertips, carry the scent if your hair, pass in and out of you, through you, shield you and wear you away. I don't want to be. I am air. I am all around never once acknowledged. I want to be vapor. I am the reason you can breathe easy, sing strong, whisper silently, be heard and known. I want to be your medium but never your inspiration. You will be because of me but I will never be the cause of you. And if I am ever gone, you will choke to a slow and painful end, and so I will never go, because I am what allows your life force to permeate. I am abstract, like the gravity that keeps you grounded, or like the heat that will transfer from your hands to the hands of others. I will never shock you till I am gone, and I never will be gone. You can't hold onto me, you will never be able to grasp onto me. I'll always love all of you, but you won't ever know that. I will disappear as soon as you know me.I am ethereal and endless. I am real, and romantic, but you'll never know this.


I will not be yours not ever, because I won't even be able to be me.
But, I'll dry your tears when you cry, because I can't stand that.
The stuff you've dealt with, I never will be able to understand.

<<

REWIND, rewind the fucken thing!!!!
Go back to passive mode. scan, filter, process, repeat.
Whatever you do, don't fuck with the reel.

A tiny bit of joy.

I had breakfast just now, at Cafe Durant. The light this morning was bright but my eyes loved it, the air looked peaceful. I saw the prettiest girl there, with the warmest smile, calm blue green eyes, light maple colored hair slightly messy with a bit falling over her eyes, a beauty mark placed just politely above the left side of her lips, a petite nose with just a slight right sided crook. I honestly wished I could somehow retain her state there, immortally. It is astounding how seeing beauty makes you avert your gaze as if I was staring at some secret truth about the cosmos. But she eventually left, with the smallest grin on her face, I guess she caught me.

The binary number system

01001001001000000111011101101111011011100110010001100101011100100010000001101000011011110111011100100000011011010111010101100011011010000010000001101111011001100010000001101101011110010010000001101101011010010110111001100100001000000110100101110011001000000110011101101111011010010110111001100111001000000111010001101111001000000110011101101111001000000110000101100010011100110110111101101100011101010111010001100101011011000111100100100000011001100111010101100011011010110110010101101110001000000110010001100101011000010110010000100000011000100110010101100110011011110111001001100101001000000100100100100000011101110110000101101011011001010010000001110101011100000010110000100000011010010110011000100000011101000110100001101001011100110010000001101001011100110110111000100111011101000010000001100001001000000110010001110010011001010110000101101101001011000010000001001001001000000110000101101101001000000110010001101111011010010110111001100111001000000111001101101111011011010110010100100000011100110110010101110010011010010110111101110101011100110010000001100100011000010110110101100001011001110110010100100000

they call it falling in love by *Miss-Deathwish

because it is precisely that -
falling.


you don't drift slowly into it;
you don't bump into it like a
person on the street.

you don't walk, you don't run,
you don't wake up one day and

say

"oh, hello, sir love. pleasure to
meet you."


no.


it's more like

someone pushed you
from a skyscraper
and you lost your inhibitions
on the way down.


you
f
  a
    l
      l
right into it, land hard on the con

My Rescuer

Some kind wonderful girl found my journal!

I wonder if she read it...

Oh well, its not like anything's really private anymore these days. That being said I'm resisting the temptation to try to look up who she is, my rescuer that is...You know if she read it, she knows more about me than some of my closest friends, assuming she could read it, my hand writting is total crap.That would be interesting...to have a stranger who knows me that well.Man I am really relieved though, I guess I should continue to write in it, but instead I think I'll opt for the new one, and just leave that one lay where it died.

I sort of hope she read it.

Empty Back Pocket.

Ok, so it's only a notebook— not the end of the world, right? But it held many personal pieces of writting, minor mementos from where I've been, thoughts floating around that demanded placement on something permanent. It's now that I realize how one of a kind that little book really was.

Yes, I can buy another to replace it, and I can even create new book... but what I've now lost is irreplaceable. The end of my summer, a quarter life crisis,fear and solitude, the rage within placidity, dreams i won't remember, people i won't forget, what it feels like to almost die slowly, modified recipes, the nervous fluttering my stomach gets when I meet a girl I know I'd marry (a condition since I was 5).

Its a short notation of my life, and sure its not a treasure to anyone else, but to me it really is priceless.

It's lost somewhere within south side Berkeley, the range running from CKC down to telegraph, below the campus line. If anyone finds it my name and number are written within the front cover, please give me a call.

Secret Girlfriend

Facing the Storm

I stopped being able to feel most of my body by the time I left, the wind was strong, the entire thing shook, and everything was cold and numb. The best part was that for once I felt like I could feel time pass through my hands, it was something else to feel time tangibly...to grip onto time, that was a really solid feeling.

Natural Law

Because you exist, that's why i love you.

Corollary: If you didn't I wouldn't

And that's what's interesting. If i try to phase you away, you know concentrate on not concentrating, try to forget what is on the forefront of my mind, just overlook the obvious, just sort of nod off for a bit, well if i get close to that, ...it scares me. Because really it points to how fragile this entire thing is, everything tends to hang on pins that are microns thinner than human hair. Do you know how easy it could be to just let go sometimes? Waiting, people say its passive, I beg to differ, I understand it as perseverance and proof. But still, it would be so easy maybe to let everything just phase away as if you didn't exist, maybe.

But you cant phase anything out of existence, and this is what saves me every time. Because you exist. That's why I love you.

Consider it a natural law.

norwegian eclipse

i figured it out, this is just what happens when your sun gets blocked out for a long while. its like a very long eclipse, you have to not look directly at it and if its like the winter's in those countries in the high hemispheres well so be it, its a little dreary for a while, no worries, eventually the season will change and then sun will come out again. I guess even nocturnal critters like me need to know when the sun is gonna come out again.

so first it was just fall, then it became winter, and then there was a long eclipse, and now i just have to wait it out, or maybe i should just get up and move somewhere else for now, and then eventually the seaon will change. Yep. That's it.

i just have seasonal affective disorder, SAD.
heh heh, very funny scientist...very funny.

cute girls.

i am tired of how untouchable they all are.

i freaked out

maybe ill never return to that small town to live that life.
i probably will.

Current Senation

i feel this dull heat warping around all the cords that connect to my heart, and slowly this heat is are cutting away at all the connections, slowly, like a chemical burn. Eventually it won't be connected to the rest of my body. I wonder, why the heart? Why does this dull heat not try to sever away at my spinal chord? Maybe I am mistaking my heart for my lungs or stomach.

Fascinating really.

Waste

I am so tired of seeing pretty girls
I am tired of seeing elegant design
Tired of seeing beauty
Being in awe of nature
I am tired of appreciating especially when my eyes see it all so easily, why can't I see the grime and the dirt and the grunge and the wastelands? Why can't I see the suffering without laughing, where is my objective sight?

Seeing beauty feels more like a curse.

lie to me, forever.

FUCK

FUCK

Baggage

I don't wanna be baggage, I want to be a pleasant parcel. Something unexpected and appreciated. Not something you have to lug around, because you are obligated to not leave you bag unattended.

I have just under 10,000 pictures from highschool.

i had no idea we took a picture together.

i had no idea we took a picture together either.

Imagine what human fat smells and tastes like.

i wanna wake up everyone in my building right now, just to fuck with their daily routine. i wanna take a picture of my hands in this light. i want you to see what 6:30AM looks like with you laying down on top of me looking out my window. I want to remember everything I know, all at once, and maybe have my mind fuck up because of the stuff I repressed. I want a bit of chaos and a tad bit of self destruction. Oh and I still feel like dropping out, not eating, and picking up multiple deadly habits. I kind of want to look up how thin human blood can get before it hits the minimum threshold of life threatening. I sort of want to pull that lip ring out, with force, spiteful force. I want to hang out of my window, the risk of falling isn't that high and honestly I wouldn't die easily from this height. I want to gut a fish. I want to sleep, soundly. I want today to be cold and cloudy, maybe rainy, i wish the sun would just fuck off more. I wish i was special or talented and I wish my friends benefit from knowing me, and I hope I really am as accommodating and helpful as they say I am. I wish I really did have a fat ego, at least then I wouldn't give as much of a shit. I wish I didn't feel old, I wish i felt like fucking, and i wish I felt like going off to countries to fuck, and I wish i thought about fucking more; but I don't I don't really feel like fucking that much. I sort of hope the world ends in my lifetime, just so people feel bad and guilty for never doing what they said they planed to do or wished they had done on that last day, and at least I will be okay knowing I tired and I always said I love you and meant it. I wish I didn't need to eat, just cook. I know only one person I wish would die, honestly just die, and I know of 5 that I'd like to personally kick. I wish i had flowers growing outside my windows, I wish i had a garden, I wish I could smell the soil and the plants and the wind. I wish i could live life far far far away from people who go abroad every summer and talk about how amazing it was and how they learned shit and ate food and talked to people and got wasted and fucked and how they want to go back and all that crap. I wish some kid more deserving then me would be allowed to go to school. I wish you where here at 6:50AM with me, asking me what's wrong, just so I could say nothing at all dear, go to sleep we still have our entire lives to dream about before I wake up. I wish I was a better kisser and had more chances to prove it. I wish for a day that all the birds would go mute and flightless. I wish people would stop calling crap art and calling art crap. I kind of want to see what a world without any tolerance and where the first impressions people had HAD to be vocalized immediately. I really do dream of a tolerant global society of multiple preserved cultural histories, that really didn't need a central government just a few good folks to make sure that energy can be directed to cures for plagues and toward exploration but NOT colonization of space. I kind of want to see what 1947 was like in England, and what northern Africa looked like 25,000 years ago. I wish all my furniture would disappear, and my carpeting would burn up, just so I can sit in an empty room for a while. I know if i was immortal I'd cry a lot, and then I would stop. I love my parents, I tell my mom that more often, and I try really hard to make sure my sister ends up much better off than I will. Despite all of my doubts, I know that they are all pointless, I love you, and that's so deceptively simple, it actually hurts, I mean every thing feels pointless and painful and like sludge and shit; I really will stop time, and just age away and die, I will write about the process too.

I don't want attention, so much as I just want it recorded, I want every good and pretty and lovely and guilty fucked up demented shitty thought I have recorded just so I'm not the only one who has to listen to myself every second I am even half conscious, I'm scared of myself and how happy I look sometimes, and how easily I love to laugh and how much I find amusing, where is all this joy, is it just because I know nothing is really ever serious, is life a joke? Then why all this suffering? Maybe that's why I laugh so much all the time, its the one remedy to just shattering while everyone and I suffer and experience ecstasy in the many moments of life.

I'm glad no one reads this, I really am.

Headshots

I've been listening to new music that I've been meaning to listen to for ages. Its nice to catch up, its nice to hear sound, really hear it, really listen i mean. I wish i had some kick ass speakers, I might actually look into buying some online right now while I'm in the mood.

I've been skipping a lot of my reading, and even more of my witting. Still managing to get by, but just hardly, I don't know whats up with me, but I honestly don't feel like a student and I'm only in my third year of undergraduate studies, for fucks sake how am I gonna be a teacher at this rate?

I kind of just want to work with my hands, I feel like I would make a great bike mechanic, or maybe I could just charge people to fix their computers. I like problem solving, and I like working with my hands, and I like spending time on getting things done when other people might just stop. I wish I was better at it too. I kind of think I'd enjoy being a freelance handy man or something...

I kind of just want to be an artist, my guitar skills are very slow at developing, I don't get enough time to really get into drawing or painting either, not to the point where I am drawing anything I care to share or even display much less keep. I feel like my creativity is being drained as a tax for being such a shitty student and for wasting so much potential.

Worst of all I feel like I am annoying you, I feel too needy; your the last person in the world to ever make me feel like that, and so I know for a fact it's all in my head, just like it always is, just like it will always be. Why can't I just allow for the distance and the time to do what it inevitably will? I feel like for once I don't want to go with the flow of what is natural here, I really wanna fight back.

I know love is real, even if I do think of myself as a mass of flesh and meat, of pulsing electricity and pumping fluids, of hormones and sensory feedback. Even if its just a mess of chemicals, even if its all just stardust, even if I find it's source a little disconcerting; I still love. Its honestly the last thing I am sure of these days, and that is a good and very very very scary realization.

june 15th 2011

i wish i could talk to you all night, i really could i know i could.
i love you, and it kills me a little when we have to hang up
i wish we could be timeless, like my cell.

2pm

Seriously it felt like a hand off, that was awkward. Like a minute before we got there, and i overheard your conversation, i thought to myself "would it be weird if I got out to hug you like I always do?" and then I thought to myself ""what else would make this all seem more awkward than it really is?"

I keep thinking of the nice people who mistake us for a couple.

So i smiled and waved and so did he, and then I laughed pretty loudly because I found our natural reactions that ammusing, we could never be enemies, hardly rivals even.

And i my mind flashed to this image of a new years party years from now, technically he would be your ex-boyfriend, and technically i would be the boy who never was, but we all still got along well enough to be at the same party it seems.

Also I think I concluded that your hair reminded me of my last few days of senior year, your hair was straight then, but your bangs were longer, thats why you looked a tad older today. Not that you could ever age, I'm doing that for the both of us after all.

I Love You. Goodnight.

Good morning pretty dancer

I'll be surprised when i don't let go without trembling today

Pictures

I don't post many pictures do I? I feel guilty about that because every other blogger seems pretty good about images, but me, I'm not good about images. Also I feel trapped as fuck right now, there is no humane sympathy, there is no equivalent justice, theres just a lot of overplayed professionals who can't do shit to help. I am now working this out myself, and I refuse to crumble like they are demanding of me, I will keep my sanity if its the last thing I do.

Here are the few names for my daughter I would like.

Elle
Bella/ Isabella
Happy
Emma
Diana
Aretemis
Eileen
Percilla

I don't expect a son.

Reflex

Why can't I shut up.

records

its that stupid feeling where i want to go do something and i think to myself "it would be better if you were there too" i have to stop feeling like that, because thats just not possible.

get me out

please take me out of my head, tell me what you did last week, tell me what your mornings smell like, how cold is the floor of your kitchen, have you burnt anything while cooking yet? i miss you, i love you.

My Appologies Dearest.

I'm sorry I can't be as light hearted or fun, I'm sorry that I don't joke around as much anymore. But none of this is a joke to me anymore, I don't want to be flimsy about my intentions or commitments, I'm dead serious for once in my life I have some resolve and direction. Also though you might make me laugh more then anyone else, I can't help but get all gooey eyed and distracted by your face, seriously, if there was some compromise where you wouldn't get so shy and I wouldn't feel so embarrassed but utterly satisfied about the whole thing I'd have figured it out. Damn your probably the prettiest thing there is, probably the most distracting too, the kind that can cause car crashes and having ice cream melt over someone's hands.

I swear I'll talk.
I love you. Goodnight.

386

I'm not gonna be able to survive this year in peace. I can't keep doing this. I am a weak hearted foolish thing. I just, I'm gonna wear out by the time I see you again. I love you, goodnight.

Bloody Fuck

How is it that one picture of you basically takes my entire night of concentrated thought entirely out of whack and I'm back to the beginning of the night again, except its like 7 in the morning...damn.

You are however the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

Restraint is difficult to say the least.

Somehow there must be a way to enchant my words with emotions.
I guess I should take a rhetoric course or two, linguistics's wouldn't hurt either.

Hopeful Thinking

I'm a hopeful thinker you see, so all I see is potential.
Maybe you might like a hopeful thinker, I like to think that.
Where are you? It feels very far away to me.

My Tombstone:

"And he died of an aortic rupture"

Graduation Speech to Live By

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97:

Wear sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but known that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. You choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. WOrk hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.

Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts, and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.


Written by Mary Schmich

There is nothing wrong with me.

Ever get the feeling that your skin is just barely keeping everything together? Like there is energy just under it's surface, pure and volatile, ready to just shred the outer layer and break free, essentially disintegrating you and destroying you, reverting you back into pure energy and space dust, its all the same either way. I've always found it so strange that I should be nothing more then a collection of electric flesh, there is so little to me, I am so very very insubstantial. And yet somehow I can still so easily glorify what it is to be human, the philosophical intricacies of what it is to be human are the exact inverse of how simple we are. As an entity I find importance in this, but the physical shell of my being, it feels so very weak and disposable.

When will the evolution of our collective concious occur?

What are we exactly, really?

Because though our biology is a bit more complex then electrified flesh, I don't think it is really that significent beyond making sure that our bodies continue to function as well as they can so our actual reality can contine to exist. I feel like it hinders our possiable experiences as well, though capable of what it is capable of it seems so very weak and prone to so many ills.

No, I'm not on anything, a bit lovestruck, and though my legs are tired from biking today I'm not that tired after my nap which I expected would be my sleep. I need to keep having these thoughts, I know for sure I am not the only one, there are millions of us thinking like this, and we should not be perscribed pills so we can write papers, and fill out forms, and do our jobs.

This is why I can't even concive of a God, only marvel at Nature.

intense?

yeah i know, but that's what it's like, and I refuse to lie about it.

Repression of Emotion

I just wanna sit there holding onto you, forever, no joke, no stupid outlandish and unrealistic understanding of how long that is. It's all the time ever left, cept it keeps going even when all the time is gone, because forever is relative to no time, its the exceeding boundary.

That's what I feel like right now, I wish I could actually intoxicate everyone with everything I am feeling, everything would just stop being real. Intead everything would function as if we were in a world of forms and ideals and exceeding thoes bounds.

That's what I feel. I feel transcendent. I feel like writing is not sufficient. I feel better than your drugs and your music, and your best sex, and your wealth, and your fame, your history, your pride, your philosophy, and your mother's womb when you were just 5 months old.

And no, you can't argue for your side on this matter, you lost before you even knew you could.
I'm not anyone special, but I really doubt anyone's brain chemistry is making them feel this intense right now.

I'm either gonna shatter, into such a state of disrepair that everyone and everything around whatever is left of me will just distance and die away from me. Or I'll feel like this all the time, even after ages and ages, and the inevitable crap moments which i highly doubt will happen but just to be safe ill include them here.

The risk is worth it, many many times over.

Single Edge Blade

I keep watching movies where people are cutting themselves.
It stings me really badly every single time.

Time and why i no longer worry about it.

Because you said so.

Actually your kind of absolutely right, but I probably actually listen to you, and that probably makes more of a difference than if anyone else said so. I guess its sort of in my nature to be an optimistic pessimist, i see the better side of things but expect the worst. But that doesn't mean that's what I should be focusing on, your right about that, I should just be happy with the time I do get, and just soak it all in, and well the rest of it, I guess I should be doing something.

I know what your thinking, but yeah the universe is a bit out of center from my persepctive, and no you can't do a thing about it but deal with the attention and stop hiding your face so much.

I love you, goodnight.

Good Luck

I'm practically writing essays at this point, I'm sorry your going to have to read them all, but I assure you its better then trying to hear me out as I ramble on and try to organize my thoughts on the fly...oh wait, that's what my writing is like.

spending limit

you make it hard for me to do the one thing that will make me happy: giving you everything you ever wished for.

also i like how even when your asleep and away from me you still manage to read my mind, and make me feel charming and cute. Why can't you just be awake for a split second so i can call and tell you why i love you for making me feel better even when you didn't know i was down?

FF <<

My Drive from Bharat Patel on Vimeo.

The music from the album Dreams by The Whitest Boys Alive.
Track titles: 1) Burning 2)Figures

I drive this same distance, almost daily, to get back home. I never want to drive this distance, its always clear of heavy traffic, and it lets my mind wander too easily. Lately I've taken to trying to empty my head of all active thinking, so far its an utter failure, so I figured today I would try to hold a camera steady while I drove, you can see that this followed the same vein as most of my attempts, failure. I scrubbed together this video of the whole thing, and I figured maybe you might like to drive with me, back to wherever I was before I got home, as I try to fast forward my life, in reverse.

Cupcakes

So you basically looked too adorable, for a split second my head went off on a little day dream.

We were cooking for our friends that Christmas, I was 27 you were 26, we lived in a apartment, filled with new wedding present we had gotten earlier that fall. I was running around like a mad man all day trying to get stuff done in between grading, you came home from the studio at around 5. You put on that apron I got you years ago, and without so much as complaining that I was a thoughtless idiot for not even greeting you as you entered you would get to mixing up batter for a desert. I'd look up for a moment to check the timer, and see you there, always so selfless I would think. And for two minutes that last forever I'd wrap my arms around you and just look at our reflection in the glass of the window overlooking the city.

Your hair would have a strand or two out of place, your waist would have dropped an inch or two because you grew an inch or two, but never enough so you wouldn't fit perfectly under my chin, even with heals on. Your face wouldn't have aged a tad bit, at least nothing you would admit to, and I would always just tell you you were just imagining things again. Your skin would only hint at your tan of the past summer, and your eyes would shimmer, like you were just about to tear up.

I'd have a 5 o'clock shadow, my face would have gained more age, thine out a bit more, a bit of stress would give it that tired edge, my hair would have lost a bit of density, just a tad but i would never admit to it and you would always tell me i was just imagining things again. But my eyes they would hint to anyone at just how happy I am, just how lucky I am.

And inevitably I will leave the roast in the oven too long, our cat would knock over the appetizers I had made, and you would just laugh at my failures, and go back to mixing.

By the time this all wafted through my head you had already taken off that apron, I almost asked you to put the Alice in the living room, she's our cat you see.

I love you, goodnight.

Brand New Colony

I'll be the platform shoes and undo what heredity's done to you...
You won't have to strain to look into my eyes

These are the words my heart would sing if I had any background in music theory.
I love you, goodnight. I hope you like what I have planned.

Title and Registration

Cause it's too important
to stay the way it's been

I do it every year, its a ritual activity, and like everything else I tend to practice, I've gotten very good. Its not something i pride myself on, its just something i do every year. I preserve what I can, and I seal it all up nice and tight. Some pieces cut and sting a bit, sometimes it hurts, other bits are rather nice, and some soothe, but I have to collect them all and put them all in. Each piece is a prized possession you know, good or bad. After sealing it tight, I store it away deep deep down, and I let the sand cover it up and the water wash over it. Oh i know where it is, right there, in my happiest place. I know its early, but some years i start earlier than others.

One day I expect I'll show every little piece, or I will just keep them all there, hidden away, I know I won't forget though, even if maybe, just maybe, a very very very tiny part of me, a very tiny part you see, it wants to maybe forget, but not really, never really, it just thinks it does, its very privy to trying to prevent unhealthy patterns, it never ever gets listened to anyways.

I love you, goodnight.

my great tragedy

lets hope I'm just imagining things again.

Ripe and Rot

And so from hour to hour we ripe and ripe,
And then from hour to hour we rot and rot;
And thereby hangs a tale.

-As You Like It, William Shakespeare

Regina Spektor

you know even she wasn't enough to distract me.

Retirement (Post #900)

I'm getting old. I know I know, go ahead, call me out on that statement, seriously go ahead and explain to me for a few hours what its like to be years older then me, that's fine. I just want it to be noted, that I too, am getting old. My face is aging fast, I can see it every day in the mirror. Every time I look at myself, all I see is my own slow decay. I've been rewatching movies that I liked from the last few months, re listening to music that i liked from the last few months, rewriting things i liked from the last few months. I wish i could relive some moments from the last few months. In fact, I wish i could really re-do this entire past year.

I wonder what the fuck everyone is doing these days, you know I'm actually kind of glad that we all just slowly separated, it was like a nice bitter break up, until you run into your ex again, and have to make pleasantries. I mean its nice, but honestly you have to admit, its unfortunate in a sense. Not that I wouldn't mind, i guess I'm just a bit bitter, i usually am hua?

I'm gonna go shave. Maybe get a haircut tomorrow.
My laptop's placement is making my wrists cut into the edge of it, there are all these red lines all over my wrists.

I expect the aging will be cold and mostly numb. Kind of like most of my time this summer, I'm alive all night, I hardly see the sun, and when I do, I sort of hate it.

I love you. And I miss you, its nice being ridiculously happy and warm for a while, its nice to sneak glances while I pretend to read.

Feeling

I often wonder how we can feel.
Its sort of a strange sensation isn't it?
Feeling.
I mean you can be elated, feel like your soaring, or have a sense of warmth
And you can feel small, crushed, and broken.
Its just so strange.
I sit here and I try to just get past whatever it is that I am feeling sometimes.
I spend time trying, usually if I focus on that bit, things stay like that, for hours, for days, sometimes for weeks, and then weeks turn into months.
I really could use a break from feeling, so I can sit, and think about what I intend to do and then choose to do something, and then actually do it.
Instead of being so mucked up by how I feel.

Because right now, I feel like I am crumbling, and I think its in some small respect because he won't drop the issue, and it seems most likely that I won't be around, and that thought, the thought of being too far away to even be relevant to you, that thought seems to be making me crumble inside.I feel like eventually, even if we don't ever want to, this distance is going to really make me irrelevant, and everything I feel is going to be irrelevant, and -just, if nothing else, this distance is going to mess me up, and even though...

I don't know
I just feel crumby
I feel like flecks and bits of me are slowly falling off, like a part of my nose, a bit of my knee, a toe, the back of my shoulder, my body is disintegrating.
So I'd really like, i think, if i could not feel, so i can just think, and know what I'm going to do.
I might just let other people make the decisions for a while, and I will just fix things, and sit and sleep and do the simple functions.

I have but one motive, and right now, for now, I understand that I must wait. Its not so hard really, because opportunity is worth the wait, no guarantees I understand that much, but opportunity is nice; even if I might end up becoming irrelevant.

Just remember, consider me, that's all I ask.

Lore

It's like made up history.
I've actually spent like the better part of 3 hours tonight just reading up the wowwiki pages about warcraft lore and history. It's sort of ridiculous just how deep it is, old family ties, different magics, corruption, clans, kingdoms, orders, etc. I mean the game universe isn't that old...I'm sort of appreciating more the game that I am playing, its actually pretty interesting.

A Touch of Envy

I wish I was lucky enough to know what your heart beat felt like. I hope I never understand how anyone can let that feeling go.

I Love You

I don't tell my family that, hardly ever.
It feels unnatural.

I'll try to tell you though, as often as I can.
Because its the most natural thing I've ever felt.

Proposal

I just realized that in about 15 years all the girls I knew are gonna wish they had married me.
This makes me grin.

Night VI

Sounds like a busy day, I've been trying to keep busy too, I wonder if I had a harder time.

Just anticipating tomorrow, no guarantees I know that, but I can't help but get a bit anxious.

It's been a long week, long days, and the nights have been pretty long too.
I guess it just makes me appreciate the time we do get to have all the more.

Night V

heh, you made me smile big tonight.
an unnaturally wide grin.
^_^
thanks.
i lo♥e you.

Here you go.

A - Age: 19.....20 in November...fuck.

B - Bed Size: Big enough for me and my laptop, or me and 2 other people.

C - Chore you hate: Washing the dishes is the WORST

D - Dog's name: no dogs yet, would name one Darwin or Comet if i had one.

E - Essential start your day item: Check up on the world online, its weird, i can know what everyone is up to before i even get out of my bed.

F - Favorite color: maroon currently, I like earthy tones and slate tones.

G - Gold or Silver: Silver

H - Height: like 6'1" gah im tall >_<

I - Instruments you played: i dont currently play but i have played the recorder, piano, drums, and i'm going to try to play guitar, in fact i will learn to play the guitar.

J - Job title: Student. Freelancer.

K - Kid(s): none currently. I would like two.

L: Living Arrangements: mom, dad, sister, no pets.

M - Mom's name:leela

N - Nicknames: every variant of my name ever, based on the trends, b-rat, b-rad, borat, barack

O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: none

P - Pet Peeve: Crass, obnoxious, and rude people, who are unaware of it, if your aware then its fine.

Q - Quote from a movie: i cant choose, sorry.

R - Right or left handed: Right, i wish i was left.

S - Siblings: a little sister, shes turning 11

T - Time you wake up: heh, hahaahaha, hahahahahahahhaah

U- Underwear: purple plad boxers.

V - Vegetable you dislike: raw tomatoes. if its a sauce its all good.

W - Ways you run late: apathy about where i'm supposed to be...or dealing with my hair.

X - X-rays you've had: arm, torso, leg, teeth.

Y - Yummy food you make: i can make it all ^_^, recently though lemon coriander shrimp. And apparently I have a fan of my cupcakes.

Z - Zoo favorite: chimps and koalas, at the aquarium though i like the jelly fish.

Night IV

you made it easier
some hope
just a bit
but the gesture alone was kind
ill cross my fingers
and even if things don't work out
ill wait

Listening to Regina Spektor's new album, Far.

Night ? III.IV

i dont know what time it is

Night III

Tonight will be just a tad bit easier.
It took a single word.
A single thoughtful act.
Goodnight.